I end up taking care of this patient for my first 4 nights on the unit, and I kid you not, every other phrase out of the person’s mouth was, “Aw s***, gu-hrlll.” (That’s girl, but spelled the way my patient pronounced it.”
Here’s a conversation we would have:
Me: “How’s the pain?”
Patient: “Aw s***, gu-hrlll. It hurts.”
Me: “Can you give me a number between 0-10?”
Patient: “11.”
Me: “Are you passing gas?”
Patient: “Aw s***, gu-hrlll, I’m tryin. Whatca doin here anyway?”
Me: “Any shortness of breath?”
Patient: “What’s that?”
Me: “Are you having a hard time breathing?”
Patient: “Aw s***, gu-hrlll, this pain. It so bad. Can you bring me something?”
Me: “I can’t yet, it’s not time.”
Patient: “Can’t you call the doctor and get me something else. My pain is so bad.”
Me: “I just talked to the doctor. There’s nothing else they can order.”
Patient: “Aw s***, gu-hrlll. Call him anyway.”
Me: (Ignoring that) “Are you dizzy at all.”
Patient: “Only when I try to get out of bed.”
Me: “Ok. Make sure you call me before you try to get up. I will help you.”
Patient: “Aw s***, gu-hrlll. It’s meh [body part that has the wound]. It hurts so d*** bad.”
Me: “Do you know where you are?”
Patient: “In bed.”
Me: “Good. Where’s that bed located?”
Patient: “[Name of hospital where I work]
Me: Do you know what day it is?
Patient: “Aw s***, gu-hrlll. Same day as this mornin’ and my [body part] still hurtin.”
Me: "Correct. But what day of the week is that?"
Patient: "[Names day of the week]
Me: “Ok. I’ll bring you your meds as soon as I can. Can I bring you anything else?”
Patient: “I want some pudding.”
Me: “Ok.”
I probably repeated this exact conversation about 10 times over the course of 4 nights. And that, my friends, is how I spent my first nights of orientation on the floor.
