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A newly admitted patient: “I’m having a little bit of pain. I’m sure Morphine would take care of it.”
Well, yes patient, Morphine will take care of it...as will Tylenol, Advil, Tramadol, Toradol, and probably Aleve—all non-narcotic, non-addictive options. But yes, let’s go ahead and give you a high powered, highly addictive narcotic that can shut down your respiratory drive. That sounds great.
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Long-term patient: “What do you mean I can’t get out of bed?!? I own this place!”
Nurse: “Sir, you are at [name of hospital], and you do not own it.
Patient: “I know where I am, d**n it. I work for the FBI!
Nurse: “No sir, you don’t. Let’s get you some medication.”
Time for someone to transfer to a rehab facility.
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Another long-term patient on call light: “I need my nurse.”
Me: “Can I have her bring you anything?”Patient: “Yes. I need her to rub my feet.”
We missed the memo that included spa services as part of our comprehensive medical care, apparently.
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Patient: “Give me Dilaudid [5 times stronger than Morphine] or get the hell out of my room, b****.”
Nurse: “Such a pleasure to take care of you, too.” I love my job sometimes.
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Patient: “I can’t go get a CT scan. I’m too anxious.”
Nurse: “We will get you some medication for that.”Patient: “I will only take the stuff you give me through the IV. I want Ativan. But I still won’t do it. I’m scared.”
Nurse: “Ok. Well, a CT is not a MRI. With a CT a round thing slides around you and you can see the ceiling the whole time. The MRI is the tube you go into. And you only get the Ativan if you actually do the test.”
Patient: “I know what a CT is. I’m still scared.”
Nurse: “You do realize that your condition is VERY serious, and you could die VERY quickly, right?
Patient: “I’m scared of the CT scan. I’m not going to do it.”
You, sir, are a ticking time bomb. May I suggest “manning up” and getting a non-invasive, non-personal space invading test that does not require you to lay still in any type of enclosed space, and could actually save your life? Again, excellent decision making skills.
